I want, by understanding myself, to understand others. I want to be all that I am capable of becoming. ~ Katherine Mansfield
To be effective in your endeavour to be a counsellor, there are certain qualities you must possess. Counselling is a two way street. It is a cooperative effort of both parties to come to effective solutions. It also takes a certain amount of commitment to make changes on part of the person being counselled. What is expected to be achieved by the end of the sessions is something that has to be clearly defined in the mind of the counsellor. How would you do this? What are the qualities and attitude you must possess to achieve your goals and the ones set for a person receiving guidance? How would you build a healthy good and honest relationship? To help a person making changes in their life, you have to be able to observe and pinpoint the possible obstacles in the way.
The core conditions or qualities essential to build a healthy alliance are genuineness, unconditional regard and empathic understanding. Being genuine is demonstrating an openness and transparency. Hiding behind a professional mask will prevent the person seeking counselling from relaxing. Showing unconditional regard means never being judgemental. Putting aside your own views and respecting and accepting what the person seeking counselling is telling you completely. Conveying empathic understanding means stepping into the other person’s shoes and truly understanding what they are feeling, without getting steeped into it.
Genuineness is a precondition for empathy and unconditional positive regard. Effective counselling will depend upon the same. Genuineness also encourages client self disclosure and builds rapport. This is the way we are open and ourselves and are able to relate to the person seeking counselling in an honest non judgemental way. Non possessive warmth is genuine. It springs from an attitude of friendliness. It is liberating, non demanding and melts the coldness and hardness in people’s hearts. We convey warmth by body language, that is eye contact, posture, facial expressions and the words we speak, their tone and delivery. There must be harmony between these two, because if the words we speak, but tone says a different thing, it creates confusion. Warmth must be used carefully. A very cold and distant person may be threatened by some one else’s depth of warmth.
Unconditional positive regard is about valuing and respecting the uniqueness of every person including the one seeking help. This is where we communicate our openness and show that our own thoughts, attitudes, behaviour and feelings do not come in the way. We demonstrate acceptance when we do not judge a person by some set of rules or standards. It maintains the dignity of a person’s self worth. It means accepting a person’s strengths and weaknesses, their positive and negative attitudes, their constructive and destructive behaviour, thoughts and feelings. Although as an individual, a counsellor is entitled to her/ his own opinion, it should not come in their way. We often condemn people when we are judging them. It is a form of attacking a person rather than the behaviour. Words such as : should, ought, must, got to and don’t and phrases such as : In my opinion or I think..or This is what you should do, are pointers to detect judgementalism. One of the stumbling blocks of unconditional positive regard is stereotyping. Referring to someone as “dumb blonde” or saying “ they are all the same” are forms of stereotyping. It allow no room for individuality and is generally negative. It stems from deeply embedded and conditioned conviction about others. Be completely honest with yourself and fully aware of any stereotyping you may be doing. Correct it there and then.
Empathic understanding is mainly a subjective experience on the part of the counsellor. It means having the ability to to perceive the client’s world as she/ he sees it. It also means having the ability to step into the client’s shoes and being able to step out again. To remain objective. To experience what the other person is, yet remain away from it. This ability taps into your inner intuition and imagination. Empathy must never be confused with sympathy and pity. There is little room for the other 2 in counselling. Counselling is a process aiming to facilitate change. Sympathy and pity keep a person stuck where they are and feel sorry for them selves. Empathy involves 1) Thinking: intellectual grasping of the the feelings of another. 2) Feeling: sharing the emotions of the other and 3) Behavioural: assuming in one’s mind the role of the other person. Empathy is also communicated non verbally through eye contact, posture, facial expression, leaning forward or reduction of the physical distance. This is a skill which one must develop and can do it over a period of time and experience.
It is very important to recognize and acknowledge that the information given to you by a person is highly confidential. The details about personal relationships, friends, family and colleagues is sacred to the person giving the information and it should be treated with respect. The sanctity of the relationship between you and the person being counselled must be maintained at all times. While the information is confidential, it cannot be considered a secret. Sometimes the counsellors need to pass on information they receive through counselling session. Sometimes the information may be required by the law or be given to any person at risk. In what instances can confidentiality be broken is a key question. If the confidentiality must be broken, first try and discuss with the client. Please feel free to add in any comments and suggestions.
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